Dear Dean
by whinychester
Summary: in which she writes him letters in hopes that he's still there. [ season 10 (may become slightly au since 2 episodes are out ] [ demon!dean ]
1. Letter One

Dear Dean,

_My hand is shaking so much that I'm surprised I'm actually getting words onto paper. But… oh god. I can't even think about it or else I become a sobbing mess. _

_You're a demon._

_A fucking, god damned demon Dean._

_I could probably use a pun - in fact, I would use a pun - but that's the old me. And I'm no longer the old me…_

_Not until you're you again._

_Which is dumb. I don't know why I wrote that, but since I'm writing in pen I can't erase it. You're still you… you just have black eyes now. And I think I can take that. Maybe I'll get some black contacts for myself so we can be matching._

_Jesus. I'm just pissing myself off even more. _

_I'm a __**wreck **__Dean. I miss you so god damn much. I miss your big, comforting hugs. I miss the fresh smell of mint and some traces of liquor whenever I would burry my face into your neck. I miss the way your green eyes looked whenever they'd lock with mine and I miss your laugh most of all. The way your eyes would crinkle at the edges and how the laugh would just consume your entire body. I miss the way you would say 'good morning' and how good the sandwiches you made were and how whenever I was upset you'd always be there to make me smile again. _

_You're just so god damn beautiful in every way possible and I just miss you so god damn much. _

_I just don't know if you feel that way, too. _

sincerely,

Bo


	2. Letter Two

Dear Dean,

_Shit's going down in Samantha's town. _

_I think I'm driving Sam insane. I keep annoying him about you. And it's not helping any of us. I'm just so pissed - I'm pissed at how badly I miss you, I'm pissed at how I should have talked you into not getting that god damn Mark of Cain, and I'm just pissed in general. I'm pissed how I never told you 'I love you' even when I had so many chances to. _

_That time after Cas erased Lisa's memories of you, that time when we thought Sammy was gone for good and you got Ezekiel to save him, that other time when Abaddon was being a bitch… all those bitchy times and moments when it felt like nothing was right in the world… somehow something was right._

_I would lay awake at night, thinking about you. I would dream about your eyes and hear your laugh in my head. My chest would ache every time I thought about you liking someone else… someone not me. Which was almost every day of my life. _

_I craved every bit of you but you couldn't have cared less. _

_Sometimes I repeat conversations in my head: the good ones, the bad ones… just any conversation in general. I loved those car rides you would take me on with the Impala and play your crapass music so loud it felt like my eardrums were going to cave in. But that was okay - because you were genuinely happy then… and I would gladly sacrifice my hearing to see your smile. _

_I would wreck myself to fix you, Dean Winchester. I just don't know if you would do the same for me. _

sincerely,

Bo


	3. Letter Three

Dear Dean,

_Sam doesn't think writing letters about you is healthy. But that's coming from the kid who's had sex with demons. _

_I'm sorry for nearly everything, Dean. I'm sorry about not helping you out when Metatron was causing shit, I'm sorry I didn't take your place. If I had known that the Mark of Cain would turn you into a demon… I would have taken your place in a heartbeat. _

_Sam has been continuously texting me and calling but I'm not in the mood to pick up. I ran away from the bunker around the same time you disappeared with Crowley. After I saw that security video of you… I couldn't function. I didn't want Sam to see me cry so I bolted. I didn't want to lose faith in you… you were still reading porn like the same old Dean… _

_But you weren't the same Dean. _

_I prayed to Cas for the first time in a while. I know he's too weak to answer to me anytime soon but I liked the thought of someone actually listening to my prayers. You used to go on about how Castiel seemed to hear every little word you would say and how it creeped you out… but I would give anything to have someone care that much. _

_I need you, Dean. I need you so fucking much. I need your smile. I need your presence - I need everything about you. I need to hear your laugh, I need to see your smile, I need to see your green eyes… I need everything. _

_I need you. _

sincerely,

Bo


	4. Letter Four

Dear Dean,

_Remember that one time you, Sammy and I all climbed into the Impala and rolled down to the nearest DQ and just binged on nearly every food they sold there? And we forced Sam to eat all the fattening food and he nearly threw up everything? Yeah… those were the days._

_I remember how we were just laughing about nothing that day. We could just looked at each other and burst out laughing. And I could have sworn for a split second… something was different in your eyes. And for a split second I had hope - I had hope that I could have something more with Dean Winchester._

_Damn, writing that down just makes me feel like a clingy bitch._

_But you're gone and you're never going to read these letters so what the hell?_

_Now everytime I pass a DQ I can't help but see your smile. And I don't know whether to call that 'pathetic' or 'hopelessly in love'._

_Same thing._

sincerely,

Bo


	5. Letter Five

_**thanks so much for the favorites and follows you've given this story and the review! i don't want to sound clingy or needy or anything, but i'd really appreciate more reviews - positive critics, even. reviews just make me smile when i read them and make me really happy when i see people are enjoying the stuff i write. :-) again, thanks for reading and i hope you enjoy the next letters!**_

* * *

><p>Dear Dean,<p>

_I miss Charlie. _

_I just woke up from the crapass motel I'm staying at - still ignoring Sam's phone calls because I was raised in the jungle - and I just remembered how lovely she was. From her badass red hair to her fangirlish personality I couldn't help but feel like the two of us could have been the best of friends if she didn't run off with Dorothy (but between you and me, those two are my OTP)._

_I remember how I mentioned OTP around you, Sam and Kevin (KEVVVVVVVVIIIIIIN) and only Kevin understood what it meant because I already talked to him about it. In case you've forgotten, here's some reference: _

_O - one _

_T - true_

_P - pairing_

_Sort of like shipping people. But not literally._

_Mostly figuratively._

_But I guess it could be literally if you __**really**_ _shipped them. _

_I miss Charlie._

_I miss Kevin. _

_I miss celebrating that one Halloween with you and Sam with candy and those witches attempting to resurrect that King of Halloween. Whatever his name was. _

_I remember how after we stopped that from happening you took a long time in coming back to the motel, and when you finally came back you had huge bags of candy and you were grinning as if you'd won the lottery. Sam disapproved so badly but I was all for it. Then we binged on the Halloween candy (even though it was already November 1st, 12:57 am) and you forced Sammy and I to watch creep-ass Halloween movies with you. _

_And then you and Sam mocked the way I pronounced Halloween since I don't put the accent on the A. And then you continued to mock me even more when I said that it was the Utahn accent: it's not my fault for being born in Logan. _

_I hated how you forced me to watch the classic - _Paranormal Activity 1-4 _- even though we already fight against the paranormal. It still scared me shitless. I was surprised someone hadn't come knocking on the door saying that we needed to shut up. _

"_Damn Bo," you said, grinning from head to toe as Sam sighed exasperatedly, rubbing his forehead. "If you scream any louder they'll think we're having __**too **__much fun in here." _

_And then you gave me your dumbass wink and dumb award-winning smile and I fell even more in love with you._

_And off the bed when the freakass scream from the tv nearly made me piss myself. _

sincerely,

Bo


	6. Letter Six

Dear Dean,

_**I love you. **_

sincerely,

Bo


	7. Letter Seven

Dear Dean,

_I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you _


	8. Letter Eight

Dear Dean,

_Maybe I should have checked Sam's voicemails and text messages: _

_**24 missed calls: Sammykins**_

_**5 new voice messages: Sammykins**_

_**43 missed text messages: **_

_**Sammykins: **__bo need your help call back soon._

_**Sammykins: **__bo are you kidding im serious._

_**Sammykins: **__first dean now you? _

_**Sammykins: **__i need to find my brother, bo. i need your help. _

_**Sammykins: **__bo if you don't call me right this fucking second i swear to god_

_**Sammykins: **__fine. you wanna play that game? _

_**Sammykins: **__i'll let you put my caller id as 'sammykins' in your phone if you text back._

_**Sammykins: **__bo are you fucking serious_

_**Sammykins: **__bo i think i have another trace on dean call soon_

_**Sammykins: **__you already put sammykins as my caller id didn't you? _

_**Sammykins: **__bo. pick. up. your. god. damned. phone. right. NOW._

_**Sammykins: **__fine, caps lock doesn't intimidate you_

_**Sammykins: **__hoW abut irgeu;lar grmmr n speling?!_

_**Sammykins: **__wow _

_**Sammykins: **__this isn't funny bo. please pick up please. or respond. or something. _

_**Sammykins: **__cas says that he's with u. _

_**Sammykins: **__i have to find everything out via confused angel? that's a new low, bo even for u _

_**Sammykins: **__thanks a lot i got my faced smashed in by some psycho-claiming-i'm-psycho just because u haven't called back_

_**Sammykins: **__i have dean. bringing him back to the bunker. see u there. _

_Now you see my dilemma. _

_To be honest, Dean… I don't know if I can handle seeing you. What am I going to do when you act like you don't remember me? What am I going to do when your eyes flash black and continue to remind me that you may be gone for good? At least Hanna and Cas don't dump all this 'how-are-you-coping-with-dean-being-a-demon' shit. _

_Thanks a lot, Sammykins. _

sincerely,

Bo


	9. Letter Nine

Dear Dean,

_Cas is weak. Not in like the whole "puny mortal" thing but in the HE'S-GOING-TO-DIE weak. _

_I don't know what I'll do if we lose Cas. He's always been my favorite (aside from you) and if he's gone like you are… my whole world will fall apart. I'm riding in the backseat of the cheapass car Hannah's driving and Cas keeps falling asleep. _

_It's bad, Dean. It's really bad. Angels don't sleep._

_Demons don't sleep. _

_I don't sleep._

_Not anymore, at least. Sometimes I do, but I just lay awake at night, thinking about you. Wondering how many demon chicks you're screwing because, apparently, you can do that now. I wonder what you're thinking about… what demon Dean (Deanmon, ha) is really like. And I'm wondering if some things never change. _

_Like you and your porno. _

_But I bet that was just an excuse to completely demolish that demon that tried to kill you. _

_I'm really pissed at Crowley. And I'm pissed at myself. I keep telling myself that it should have been me instead of you… That day we found the First Blade… I kept telling myself I should have stepped in and offered myself. But I knew you wouldn't let me - I _knew _you wanted to handle it yourself. Abaddon needed to be stopped._

_But I would have done it for you. _

_Cas is telling me that it's unhealthy for me to continuously blame myself. I retorted saying that he's the one dying, not me. _

_He hasn't talked to me since. He just speaks in quiet tones with Hannah, looking accusingly at me every now and then. I didn't know angels could feel butthurt. But then again, I was a bitch for even saying that to Cas. He only ever wants to help… _

_I've always been pissed with everything, lately. I'm yelling at the dumbest things, I feel agitated with everyone… I don't want to do anything, anymore. Hannah told me that they're signs of manic depression but Cas says they're just signs of me attempting to cope with "my loss". _

_I didn't _lose _anything. You were never _mine _to begin with. Cas and Hannah made me realize that. _

_I guess you were right when you said "angels are dicks."_

sincerely,

Bo


	10. Letter Ten

Dear Dean,

_Sam keeps trying to heal you._

_Or, at least, that's what Cas tells me. He's trying to do that thing we attempted with Crowley… and it worked. But I don't think it'll work very well with you. That narcissistic, British (or Scottish, whatever the hell ethnicity he was) oaf didn't have the Mark of Cain._

_I can hear your screams all the way from upstairs. Since you're way down below in the basement of the bunker you'd think it would be harder to hear you… but I can. And it hurts. I don't like hearing you in pain._

_Even though I eavesdropped on you saying those horrible things to Sam, I still believe you don't deserve this._

_Why are you a demon, Dean?_

_Or better yet,_

_why didn't I save you?_

sincerely,

Bo


End file.
